....... we want to be the Penzoil of bowling!!! We already sponsor one bowling team in Kalamazoo MI ( The Illustrious Sauce Brewers)But now we feel ready to take on more teams.If you bowl in a league or if you can get some folks together and form a league team, we will sponsor you!!!! We will send the entire team Wrath T-Shirts (to instill fear in your opponents), and we will send you free sauce to pass out on bowling nights. Just imagine the pride you will feel being part of Team R.E. We don't care how good or bad you bowl: if you can have FUN, we want You!!!!!
FOR SALE:Complete 36 piece set of Arby's Holiday Glasses for that really festive mood.
Can anyone out there tell me how to get tickets for the Exciting Discoveries Infomercials.
Cemetery Plot, Heavenly Acres, Serious Inquiries Only.
DWF 5'10" Blnd. Blue, 125#, Likes CW music, long walks, hugs and cuddles, and ritual mutilation. No smokers.
Now look, here is a recipe so simple that even you football fans out there can get it. (If there are sensitive football fans out there, they are now offended. ) Comon you guys lets get tough, lets make some dip!! Dip! Dip! Dip! Gooooo getum!!
1 16oz. package Cream Cheese 1 Jar of Religious Experience Hot Sauce (you pick the heat level you prefer)Place the cream cheese in a nice serving bowl and cover the cream cheese with the contents of the jar of R.E. Place in the microwave just long enough to make the cream cheese very soft. NOT MELTED!! Serve with crackers, I prefer Ritz, or Benton's.
Within days of writing this recipe we received the following letter:
Dear Fellow Human Beings:
In our weekly sensitizing meditation group we picked up the vibe that you at R.E. Foods had sold out, and for a cheap laugh totally negated our humanity. The degrading way you use the term football fan speaks volumes about your own fears. The words Football Fan bring up a stereotype image of someone reclined on the couch peering at the T.V. over a large belly covered with potato chip crumbs while clutching a beer. This could not be further from the truth!!! Me and most of my friends lean completely forward while watching a game. So the next time you want to callously have fun at the expense of others we hope you remember this incident. We are people with feelings just like you!!!
Sincerely
Rudy Stolkwzky President
New Age Sports Fan Association
Don't get us started about the New Age!!
Are you Polish?
Dear folks at R.E. I was...well the best way to put it is....a computer nerd, until several football players at my school put Wrath in my underwear. My whole life changed !!!!!! After I kicked the football players' butts, I got a Jalapeno tattoo, fathred several children, made a pilgrimage to R.E. headquarters and changed my name to Rex.
Thanks. . R. E. Rex
Dear Folks at R. E. Foods
My brother Raymond has suffered for years with the affliction of unmcontollably yelling "I like Ike" under any circumstances and at any time. Last week, he inadvertantly picked up a jar of The Wrath instead of his Diet Creme Soda and glugged down nearly half a jar full. When the seizures and convulsions ended, he yelled "Who the hell is Ike?" and has never again yelled anything, except "Get that damn cat hair out of my borscht!" at dinner last night.
Dear R.E. Foodpersons:
We have been set free of the relentless suckhole of television by a jar of your Religious Experience Hot Sauce. The other night, we were watching the tuuuuube when a half-hour paid advertisement came on. They were hawking (did I dream this?) spray hair to cover up bald spots. Not hair spray, but Spray Hair.....Did we really SEE this??? Anyway, these bald guys were spraying their heads and the crowd was going "ooooooooooooh!" and applauding these men with what looked like painted spots on their heads (I've been off drugs for years, I swear). Then, this beautiful woman was saying how handsome they looked and this guy was talking about what a fantastic breakthrough this was, and the thought slowly dawned on me that, as I watched, there were people calling on the phone and actually ordering the stuff..........I guess I just snapped. I had been eating R. E. and chips and, well, the jar of Religious Experience on the table near my chair was suddenly flying toward the TV....BULLSEYE11111..............s.i.l.e.n.c.e. Thanks R.E....................
Send your Testimony to:
The Zealot - Testimonials
c/o R.E. Foods Inc.
820 Struthers
Grand Junction, CO 81501
or fax it to us at: (970) 242-1021
by J.K. FedUpWithThisBull McFadden Hot sauce ads--yipes! "....Salsa de Mexico..." "...Mex to the Max..."New York CITY!!!!!!..." The Big Three in the salsa trade ("salsa" is, in the end, Spanish for sauce) know they can't say they taste like much, so they tell you that it is important where they come from or that they hark back to old Mexico or Spain... We at R. E. FOODS say "Bullshit? We don't need no stinking Bullshit!" WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKE??? So here we go--we've had it--enough!!! Religious Experience Hot Sauce will challenge any commercial bottled salsa in or out of the country to a blind taste test. Let's get it out of the jar, off the TV, and onto a chip. Let's let the people who really know and love hot sauce separate the men from the boys in the world of hot sauce.
We at R. E. Foods ask, "Quien es mas macho? Old El Paso o Brooklyn?" And, again, "Quien es mas macho--Religious Experience The Wrath o all the males of all the species on the Planet Earth?"
Come on, let's have a taste test! You R.E. Fans out there -- help us incite a taste test. Let's go...taste test, taste test, taste test, Taste Test, Taste Test, Taste Test, TASTE TEST, TASTE TEST, TASTE TEST, TASTE TEST, TASTE TEST, TASTE TEST...
. For the second time this year, J.K. held the annual Pontification Day Celebration. In an unparelleled display of courage, he raised himself above the crowd on the forks of the used forklift recently purchased by R.E. Foods. As the machine lifted him to its apex, it coughed and died. With no thought for himself, J.K. launched into his address while a team of highly skilled mechanics scurried below in a desperate attempt to fix the machine.Fear swept through the crowd as they realized that if the lift could not be fixed, J.K. might not quit speaking and that from his lofty perch he could clearly see anyone sneaking off!The address began with a few minutes of meditation, accompanied by a videotape of Slim Whitman singing "Cattle Call". The mood was set! As J.K. swept his gaze over the crowd, he noticed one portly woman dressed in a red, white and blue jumpsuit wearing an elephant hat festooned with no less than 22 American flages. He addressed her personally, saying, "Madam, do you know where your are?" She let go of her baloons, waved a samll banner excitedly, and exclaimed, "Why, of course. The Convention." J.K. smiled "You know...this is what makes our country great.....meaningful participation." With a deft hand signal he alerted the sound booth, and Kate Smith's stirring rendition of "God Bless America" wafted out into the oppressive desert heat.There was not a dry eye in the house. The poignant silence that followed was broken by one of the mechanics who whistled and yelped, "There, I think we got it!" The forklift engine roared to life and the driverless lift lurched out through the crowd with J.K. clinging to the mast some 20 feet in the air.Realizing he was distracted, the crowd raced for their cars as the forklift headed for the horizon. Undaunted, J.K. began his speech on the success of governments and nationalism down through the centuries.The forklift and J.K. rolled out of sight. All of this took place in about seven minutes, and everyone agreed this was the best Pontification Day ever.
Neighbors Report Hearing 'Salty Language' at All HoursIt's harvest time once again in the Grand Valley of Western Slope Colorado, and our produce for the rest of this year (and most of next) is beginning to come in. Since we always say that our peppers are custom- grown for us right here in the Grand Valley, we thought we'd introduce the Faithful to our custom-grower, Paul Ferris.Paul's farm is located west of Grand Junction and the operation, from father to son, has been in the area for 30 years. Our relationship with Paul started in l988 and this summer Paul planted about 3 acres of tomatillos, mexibell and jalapeno peppers for R.E. Foods. In the past year, he has experimented with an extremely hot habanero pepper that we haven't used as yet.We say "custom-grown" because the alkalinity of the soil makes the greatest difference in the heat of the peppers, and Paul's soil is alkaline enought to make a con sistently hot pepper. While weather conditions can affect heat level too, it's not nearly as important as soil type.Some people slay that cussing at peppers makes them hotter too. We don't know if Paul employs this method, but he IS a farmer and we hear they cuss at everything. So next time you're enjoying a mouthful of Religious Experience, remember that The Sauce starts with Paul.
Even We Could Not Have Made This Up!!
Dear R.E. Foods:
It has been one of my most engaging quests--the search for the perfect hot sauce for my husband's delicate palate. He neglected to tell me that he craved the hot experience morning, noon and night before we got married. So it is with some chagrin that I endeavor to satisfy this man.One day in Boulder, Colorado, I met Beth McFadden carrying a variety of bottles in precarious positions. Since I looked at her somewhat curiously, she started to smile and said, "Do you like hot sauce?" I replied, "No, but my husband does." I bought some and chuckled all the way home. I wrapped it up - with bows and all - - and presented it to Scott at dinner. He loved it! This was over a year ago.Scott and I have ten years between us and are now trying to get pregnant. I have had to go through a series of tests, and he had to go through one as well - the semen test for quantity, quality and motility. The instructions were simple enough: put it in a clean jar, keep it warm, and bring it to the lab. I went to the closet to get a jar and the only ones there were, you guessed it, Religious Experience - The Wrath.So Scott sent downstairs, surrendered to the moment, and completed the assignment. When he dropped the jar off at the lab, the laughter was heard around the block. And the people there will be continually reminded that they, too, have had a Religious Experience as the jar now sits in a place of honor on the top shelf.
-Iris
Dear Scott & Iris:
This is the best story yet. If you are successful, let us know. We intend to shower your baby with love and gifts. Thanks from all at R.E. Foods.
Fast, frank, flattering friendly, flatulent and feisty questions flew, fatuously fielded on the fly by J.K. McFadden at the February Fiery Foods Show.For those who missed the bliss of hearing JK expound in person, we have captured in print the most frequently asked questions and his inimitable repsonses. Q: How HOT is it? A: Compared to what - pablum? Pretty damned hot... -licking burning charcoal? Not that hot; however, proctologists agree...The Wrath burns twice. Q: Where did you get the name? A: (a) Bob's Giant Warehouse of Product Concepts in Waterloo, Iowa, or (b) my wife's maiden name, or (c) it was channeled through me from Horatio Alger, or (d) in a transcendent moment in the bathtub with an electric toaster, or (e) I just made it up. Q: Are you related to Gates McFadden who plays Dr. Beverly Crusher on Star Trek--The Next Generation? A: Uhhh, noooo... but I think it's quite obvious The Staffsters, The Sauce and I boisterously believe in and are cosmically committed to boldly going where no one has gone before!
WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO 80 LB. MONKEY BABY WHO LOSES 40 LBS. IN ONE WEEK
J.K.McFADDEN OF R.E. FOODS STICKS TO HIS STORY THAT HE WAS A TRACTOR TIRE IN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION
ANNUAL "PONT"
Once again, JK gave his annual pontification day address ("The Pont") to
the assembled Zealots. Not one to shy away from controversy, he ripped
right into them by flatly stating, "less filling...", balefully staring them
down, daring anyone to say, "tastes great..." You could have heard a pin
drop!! Mercifully, he broke the tension by suggesting the crowd try to
guess what names from the Old Testatment were the same spelled
backwards. You could have heard a pin drop!! And JK was just
getting started...
After several pithy quotes from a nearby TV Guide, he launched into the
heart of his address: Metaphysically Understanding Flag Day. The
crowd was mesmerized as layer after layer of the myth, mumbo-jumbo
and Mesozoic ooze of misunderstanding of Flag Day's true meaning was
stripped away. This was followed by a fish-cleaning demonstration
(choreographed to The Flight of the Bumblebee) put on by Teresa Baird and
Pam Fults, JK's most trusted and loyal followers.
Realizing the crowd was stunned by the beauty of this event, JK knowingly
and gently blessed and dispersed them with these inspirational words from
a bathroom wall in the Top Hat Bar in Missoula, Montana:
WF, slim, attractive, 36-30-36, seeks overweight, middle-aged, married man for good times. Phone might be busy, so keep trying!! HSM (Hot Sauce Manufacturer) looking for that Special Someone. No dock hands or farm animals, please! Wanted: paying top dollar for Slim Whitman and Zamfir memorabilia, Also looking for someone to give me pan flute lessons. And, oh yeah, I do Slim Whitman and Zamfir lip sync shows for parties or at rest homes... For Sale: Homemade BETA videos of complete Ginsu Knife sales series; also, 500 never used 1986 NAPA calendars. First come, first served.
Me and some friends were sitting around finishing our beers, still digesting the 7-11 nachos (with Religious Experience, of course), and watching our third-in-a-row video of "Greatest Moments in All-Star Professional Wrestling" when Butch Larson put a half-Nelson on our spirited discussion of whether or not professional wrestling was real or fake by saying, "You know the expression: It all depends on how you look at it..." Does that mean there are many ways of perceiving the same situation differently, or that all of creation is a projection of our thoughts and beliefs depending in absolute fact on how we perceive it??? I said, "How about that Hulk Hogan..."
If you go on vacation to get away from the pressures and schedules of everyday life, and then plan your trip like some lunar landing mission... If the anxiety that the slightest deviation from The Plan will send your vacation careening towards the outer edge of the universe... Or perhaps some unforeseen event could cause a fiery out-of-control reentry... If you are going to be twenty minutes late getting to Disneyland, which of course means that you won't be able to ride ALL the rides you had scheduled... If your plan is out of control already, and then one of the kids has to go to the bathroom ANOTHER 10 MINUTES... Now is your chance! Take the next exit, make your mind blank, turn left, turn right, go straight, don't think, keep it up for 15 ro 20 minutes until... YOU'RE LOST! Fight your urge to find out where you are. Don't even try to find your way back. Check out where you are. What kind of neighborhood is it? Who lives in thse houses? When was that building built? What was it for? Who built it? Where are they now? Get some lunch at that neighborhood cafe; it may not be great, but it won't be DENNY'S! Stay lost. Drive around, check out whatever interests you. Blow off your room deposit - you saved that by not assaulting Disneyland today. Find a place to stay that is not like your usual. Share this adventure with those you are with. Love being lost!!! Tomorrow you can get back on schedule, but it will be different because now you know you can always GET LOST! Maybe you'll run into us...
Webster's dictionaries define zealot as "(1) an immoderate (excessive) partisan; a fanatic (or devotee)"", and "(2) one who is zealous or filled with or incited by zeal." Zeal is defined as "eagerness and/or ardent interest in pursuit of something: synonym, passion." We at R.E. Foods feel that since Religious Experience Hot Sauce provides for the critical mass for the transformation of Passive Consumer (PC) into Passionate Partisan (PP), it is only fitting that our newsletter reflect this renegade character in its title as well as its style, substance, and point of view. Yes, we are excessively partisan about R.E., we are committed to making the best possible hot sauce without compromising our own standards, and we know it is the best hot sauce most of you have ever had. Yes, we are filled with passion in pursuit of something: that something, our customers' satisfaction. We are the antithesis of mainstream bland. We are guerilla heat infiltrating cold store shelves. We value our customers and assume both an unfulfilled need and untapped integrity to their tastebuds. Most of all, we assume a saucy sense of humor to complement a discriminating palate. Yes, one of our most important questions is, "are you Experienced?" Another has to be, "is it time for the zealot in you?" Let us know, and Spread the Sauce! What have to lose but your chains?
Mr. Amo Farknit, a new resident of Lourdes, Wyoming, writes to report
that the local Toot-N-Moo drive-through dairy and grocery has started
stocking their shelves with all four Religious Experience Hot Sauces.
Toot-N-Moo owner, Wyatt Snarth, said sales were brisk and he plans to
reorder as soon as he can find the R.E. Foods phone number. The friendly
townspeople, in a spirit of jovial cooperation and neighborly goodwill,
voluntarily limited themselves to one jar apiece so that all could sample
the newly arrived hot sauce products.
"That's just how we operate here," said Sarah Westmoreland Snarth,
Wyatt's wife and co-owner of the Toot-N-Moo. "Of course we'll order
plenty more now that we know folks are partial to it, and it's not just a
pretty name."
So, Religious Experience appears in Lourdes. The question now on
many local lips is, as in the immortal words of Jimi Hendrix:
"Are You Experienced?"
Write in and let us know.
Before a hushed crowd of about (see "terms", previous column) 10,000 True Believers, J.K. McFadden stepped to the balcony high above the R.E. Foods parking lot, and delivered his annual Saucetimony. Some topical highlights of the multi-faceted address were: daytime TV and the higher self; footcare; two hours of conspiracy theories; and the role of accountants' daughters in the last decade of the 20th century. Ending on a serious note, J.K. exhorted and dispersed the assembled Hot Sauce Zealots with the words of Maher Baba, "Don't Worry, Be Happy!"
I find your irreverent attitude, gaudy labels, twisted R.E. Story, and spicy
sauces an affront to decency. The dipping of chips into spherical jar
orifices has already been reported in our community, and I for one intend
to raise money to see that this liscivious dipping does not continue. Your
hot sauces will be exposed as a sign of the End of Time. Go ahead and
snicker, but when the world ends with your depraved flesh writhing in
wildfire, I'll have the last laugh!"
Regina D., Prudence Bay, Wisconsin
(Note: This segment was selected as representative of Regina's message.
The entire text harangues on for some twenty pages...)
Dear Regina - Lighten Up!
"It's good on meat!"
Cleon Bovine, Methane, Georgia
Good point, Cleon!
One of the thigs we are serious about at R. E. Foods is "The Sauce" and to
that end we use locally grown produce, fresh ground spices, mineral rich
sea salt, grain sweeteners, and never Never, NEVER sacrifice quality
for expedience.
So, my friends, SPREAD THE SAUCE!
--J.K.McFadden
Editor and Sauce Spreader
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